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I have been a dissatisfied customer for several years now….several years too long. I have such low self-esteem I cannot break away from this customer - vendor relationship…

Enthusiastic praise from a recent customer order!

Attention Holiday Shoppers!

It took a little longer than we thought, but we’ve finally started receiving “The Pessimist” 2013 calendars from the printer- and we’re now working around the clock to ship out orders!  

If you’re looking for great Christmas gifts for the person who has everything, but still isn’t very happy about it, you’re in luck.  Because we’ve got everything you could possibly want.

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"The Pessimist", Despair’s EPIC take on a Page-A-Day calendar, finally arrived in the warehouse this weekend.  Back-orders are now being figuratively crushed by employees who are ALSO being figuratively crushed.  (Except for Skippy, who was literally crushed, too, when the forklift lowered a pallet on his open-toed sandal.)
Two weeks from now, Dr. Kersten will actually get around to reading his.  And then, the phone call.  "You made me say WHAT?!"

"The Pessimist", Despair’s EPIC take on a Page-A-Day calendar, finally arrived in the warehouse this weekend.  Back-orders are now being figuratively crushed by employees who are ALSO being figuratively crushed.  (Except for Skippy, who was literally crushed, too, when the forklift lowered a pallet on his open-toed sandal.)

Two weeks from now, Dr. Kersten will actually get around to reading his.  And then, the phone call.  "You made me say WHAT?!"

Can someone there write me back and tell me how long your Monday Three Hour Sale is going to last, please?

FROM A RECENT CUSTOMER EMAIL.
Dr. E.L.Kersten |  Justin Sewell  |  Walter Stokes  |  Mike Schaub 
(Clockwise from left.)
Some people ask if COO Dr. Kersten does all the work around here. Actually, he does very little. That’s why he gets paid so much. But there’s a few other people around here of at least minor importance.  
Justin - Reclusive co-founder and CEO. Writes stuff. Drinks stuff.
Walter - Tech, Finance, Crossfit. Not in that order.
Mike - Also known as Mark. Also writes stuffs.  And drinks stuff.  And sometimes writes book reviews for NPR when he thinks we’re not looking. (But we ARE looking Mike. You’ve been warned.)

Dr. E.L.Kersten |  Justin Sewell  |  Walter Stokes  |  Mike Schaub

(Clockwise from left.)

Some people ask if COO Dr. Kersten does all the work around here. Actually, he does very little. That’s why he gets paid so much. But there’s a few other people around here of at least minor importance.  

Justin - Reclusive co-founder and CEO. Writes stuff. Drinks stuff.

Walter - Tech, Finance, Crossfit. Not in that order.

Mike - Also known as Mark. Also writes stuffs.  And drinks stuff.  And sometimes writes book reviews for NPR when he thinks we’re not looking. (But we ARE looking Mike. You’ve been warned.)

"Some of my employees asked if this applied to Obamacare.  We all laughed about it.  Then I had to let them go.  It was great to end things on such a happy note."
- Dr. E.L. Kersten, COO of Despair, Inc.
So the new Despair.com site is in ‘Soft Launch’ mode.  We’ll be spending the next few days ironing out bugs, updating graphics, adding missing products, etc.  But even now, you’ll find there’s more than a few surprises on the site, such as personalized pitches for every poster we sell. 
Dr. Kersten proved his ample talent by managing to strike the exact same pose, over and over again, as we updated the posters behind him.  Above is one we’re likely to get lots of complaints about.  
Other likely favorites are the ones for “Achievement”, “Love" and "Shoot for the Moon”.  Explore them all here.  (Just click on “Quick Shop” and pull down to “Poster” to have them load.)

"Some of my employees asked if this applied to Obamacare.  We all laughed about it.  Then I had to let them go.  It was great to end things on such a happy note."

- Dr. E.L. Kersten, COO of Despair, Inc.


So the new Despair.com site is in ‘Soft Launch’ mode.  We’ll be spending the next few days ironing out bugs, updating graphics, adding missing products, etc.  But even now, you’ll find there’s more than a few surprises on the site, such as personalized pitches for every poster we sell. 

Dr. Kersten proved his ample talent by managing to strike the exact same pose, over and over again, as we updated the posters behind him.  Above is one we’re likely to get lots of complaints about.  

Other likely favorites are the ones for “Achievement”, “Love" and "Shoot for the Moon”.  Explore them all here.  (Just click on “Quick Shop” and pull down to “Poster” to have them load.)

THEY said it couldn’t be done.  That the technology didn’t even EXIST yet.  That we might as well try to get COLD FUSION out of a glass of water.  But naysayers always say things like that, don’t they?  
Meanwhile, here at Despair, we persevered.  Because we KNEW that if you can dream it, you can do it- to hell with the cynics and doubters.  And after nearly a year spent on development, it’s finally here.  A brand new Despair.com.
Featuring RADICAL new innovations like a floating shopping-cart, an actual real-time order status look-up tool, and the piece de resistance, a search engine.  Yes, you read that correctly.  YOU WILL NOW BE ABLE TO SEARCH THE DESPAIR.COM WEBSITE. 
"What is this- 2027?!", you exclaim in abject shock.
No. It’s 2012. And we’re just 15 years ahead of everyone else.  Yet again!
Who’s laughing NOW, cynics?

THEY said it couldn’t be done.  That the technology didn’t even EXIST yet.  That we might as well try to get COLD FUSION out of a glass of water.  But naysayers always say things like that, don’t they?  

Meanwhile, here at Despair, we persevered.  Because we KNEW that if you can dream it, you can do it- to hell with the cynics and doubters.  And after nearly a year spent on development, it’s finally here.  A brand new Despair.com.

Featuring RADICAL new innovations like a floating shopping-cart, an actual real-time order status look-up tool, and the piece de resistance, a search engine.  Yes, you read that correctly.  YOU WILL NOW BE ABLE TO SEARCH THE DESPAIR.COM WEBSITE. 

"What is this- 2027?!", you exclaim in abject shock.

No. It’s 2012. And we’re just 15 years ahead of everyone else.  Yet again!

Who’s laughing NOW, cynics?